Well, my Cingular ordeal seems to have attracted some attention but I think it’s time to move on.

I love email…really, I do. I also feel we should be able to sue spammers for harassment.

Here’s my view: I don’t feel it’s a best practice to hide your identity while marketing your product but these spammers go to great lengths in order to ensure anonymity. Some of these parasites are actually selling something and some of them are actually legitimate and legal yet they continue to send their emails under pseudonyms such as “Alvilda Griffeth ” or “Oli Larson”. What I truly love, however, are the subject lines.

“V shÖp CïAIS VíAGRRA “
“SOFT Viagra: save more buying more “

I’m beginning to wonder why so many people are concerned about my love life and my ability to perform. Maybe I should be worried as well. Someone obviously knows more about me than I know about myself. I need to ask Mrs. Muzikdude if she signed me up for these emails but I don’t know how to approach the subject.

Alas, spam is forever, but even worse than the spam we receive are the scam and urban legend emails. I’ve recently been informed that Citibank needs the PIN for my ATM/Debit card due to a large number of identity theft attempts.

Good thing I got that email.

I sent them my PIN as well as the account number and password for my account. It’s a shame that I don’t actually bank with Citibank. That’s ok though, I sent a copy of the email and my reply to Citibank’s identity theft division. I’m sure they’ll keep their eyes open for anyone trying to sign in as m0r0n#1.

One final note:
Here in Colorado Springs, we have many local businesses that use the owner’s children in TV ads. I wonder if the owners realize that they are the only ones that think their kids are cute. If you own a small business, chances are the rest of the world thinks your kids are obnoxious.

I received this comment to this post from a former cell service customer rep.

what you all need to do is call Cingular customer service and say "I am very unhappy, I want to speak to a supervisor or a resolution specialist NOW" and get one of them on the phone. Once you've done this, you have to say why you are unhappy, and how by crediting you for all the bad stuff they've done wrong they can make you happy again. The Cingular Res Specialists have actually been disciplined for NOT crediting customers enough lately. Try your luck, it doesn't sound like it can get any worse.
Oh... and you didn't hear this from me.
former cell phone company serv 08.28.05 - 6:24 pm #
________________________________________

The problem here, is that I’ve talked to a resolution specialist but I had to demand to be put on with one three times. Every time I asked to speak to a supervisor the customer rep would ask why.

The resolution specialist is the one that “credited” some of the minutes used on the AT&T plan.

Also, my SIM card was rendered useless by a tech support manager.

Honestly, I am not that impressed with Cingular’s upper echelon.

I had cell service with Verizon. I had a few billing problems with them that took months to resolve but other than that, I enjoyed 5 years of great service.

Mrs. Muzikdude has had service with AT&T and never had a problem with them. The reason we have two different services is a very long story; one which I may tell in the future, but for now I want to focus on Cingular.

The plan was to let my contract with Verizon lapse so we could get a family plan with AT&T (which ended up being Cingular because the two companies merged). So on Aug 5th we went to the Cingular store and started a family plan. The reason we chose not to dump AT&T and go with Verizon was purely because my Verizon contract ran out first.

Here’s the timeline:

Aug 6:
1. Signed up for family plan and found that the $250 phone we purchased 4 months ago from AT&T won’t work with Cingular even though they are the same company. So we paid for 3 more phones and now use the old phone as a very expensive paperweight.

2. Successfully activated one of three phones before the Cingular “switch went down” precluding the company from performing activations.

3. Left store with one expensive paperweight, two expensive temporary paperweights and one working phone.

Aug 7:
1. Tried to download a ringtone to the one working phone only to find I can surf the internet but cannot download anything.

2. Called Cingular and was told I need to register with “My Account” on their site.

3. Surfed multiple pages to find the ringtone again only to realize I still can’t download.

4. Called Cingular and was told I need to register for MediaNet; a third party internet service.

5. Still didn’t work so I called back and they told me I need to register with DirectBill; yet, another third party billing service.

6. The DirectBill site wouldn’t accept my registration and continually returned error messages.

7. Called back to Cingular…they registered my number over the phone and told me it should have all happened automatically when I activated the phone.

So far, I've spent 3 hours of my time either on hold with Cingular or talking to various representatives.

Aug 8:

1. The other two phones were finally activated but Mrs. Muzikdude's would not receive calls.

2. Another phone call to Cingular and the problem was “resolved” (or so we thought).

This was the shortest phone call I've made to Cingular at 40 minutes. Every call from here on out was anywhere from 50 minutes to 3 hours.

Aug 11:

1. Tried to download a ringtone to Mrs. Muzikdude's phone only to receive a “Network Unavailable” error.

2. Cingular said I need to register her number with “My Account”, “MediaNet”, and “DirectBill”. This should have happened automatically…or so they tell me.

Aug 12:

1. Registered with all the services and still no network service.

2. Cingular reset the SIM card (after 90 minutes of going through the phones settings, turning the phone off and on, removing and replacing the battery etc...). I finally got the internet icon. I downloaded the ringtone and everything worked great. (or so I thought)

Aug 13:

1. Realized Mrs. Muzikdude's phone cannot receive incoming calls (again).

2. Cingular worked on the phone remotely. Four tech support members, 1 tech support manager and 3 hours later they reset the SIM card but now the tower no longer recognizes the phone. They programmed themselves out of the ability to access the SIM card remotely.

3. The tech manager informed me that I have a “bad SIM” and I need to go replace it.
The good news is, they aren't going to make me pay for the new SIM card.
Now that's great customer service!

Aug 14:

I realized that I had spent a substantial amount of time and money surfing through internet pages on my phones because Cingular representatives kept telling me the problems were resolved. I asked if they could reimburse the charges for all the data transfer and the minutes used while surfing. I was told there is no “credit code” to cover that type of thing.

Aug 24:

I received a bill from AT&T. Apparently, since we switched plans in the middle of a billing cycle, AT&T (which no longer exists because it’s now Cingular) prorated our included minutes, which meant we were already 203 minutes over our alotted time on the day we switched to the family plan. No one ever told us this would happen. They were just “happy” to have our business. The Cingular rep told me that they don’t have any control over what AT&T does.

Me: “But AT&T doesn’t exist anymore…it’s all Cingular”
Moron: “Well, sir, it takes a while to merge two companies as large as this”
Me: “So, let me talk to an AT&T rep”
Moron: “Well, technically, I AM an AT&T rep because their wireless division no longer exists”

Can you see how this conversation went?

I owe AT&T (or Cingular) $128 on top of the $170 Cingular bill I just received. The reason the Cingular bill is so high is because I have to pay activation fees on three phone even though it took three days to activate all of them.

Anyway, the moron, who previously couldn’t do anything to help me, found a miraculous way to credit some minutes back to me. He said he could trim $76 off the bill but I would need to pay the $128 this month and next month I would receive a credit to my account.

HOWEVER, since paying the $128 would close the old account, I would need to call them and remind them I have a credit so they can mail a check to me.

Right.

I think I will let this bill go overdue, let the credit post to the account, and pay the difference.

In the last three weeks, I have spoken with 35 Cingular representatives who are all “very sorry” that I’ve spent over 8 HOURS on the phone with them trying to resolve issues that are totally the fault of Cingular and AT&T.

So why do I have Cingular?

Because we still had a contract with AT&T and in order for us to get a family plan we were forced to go with Cingular or pay $175 to get out of the contract.

Take my advice: If you currently have AT&T or Cingular; it will be worth $175 to go with a company like Verizon or Sprint.

The last rep I spoke with told me that half the people he talks to are thrilled with their Cingular service.

I said "Dude…that’s, like, 50%. Has any company ever survived with 50% customer satisfaction?"

This one will…because they could lose half their customers and still be a consumer giant. The issue here is that I’m not sure who is the consumer and who is being consumed.

Heed my warning...avoid Cingular.

Addendum:
Muzikdude is not alone!
Others with Cingular problems are:
Alexi - Her problem is almost identical to mine. Poor Alexi doesn't realize it will only get worse.
Pradeep
Chris Pirillo
I love this one because his google ads are pushing Cingular service.
Thomas Hawke


This is what I get for not researching first. The articles are out there.

Mrs. Muzikdude received a phone call from a man with a heavy Middle Eastern accent. He asked to speak to me but she said I was at work. Once he realized that she was my wife he told her he works for ITS (Identity Theft Services) and that $500 had been stolen from my “account”.

She said “which account?”

He said “checking”

He then went on to ask her if it was a joint account and told her that if she gave him the routing number and account number he would replace the money with $800.

Now it doesn’t bother me so much that the guy was trying to steal my money…what bothers me is that he insulted my wife’s intelligence to the point of disrespect. Even worse than that, when Mrs. Muzikdude asked for his name he said “Eric Wilson”. Now THERE’S a good solid Middle Eastern Name.

If “Eric Wilson” reads this, I would like to invite him out for lunch so I can discuss my finances with him personally.

Seriously…email me, Eric…I want to meet you really badly…trust me.

I’ve been trying to bust into the highly competitive world of the Home Inspection business.

Although I’ve been doing this sort of work for 20 years, I’ve decided to attend school in order to build my credentials. Classes don’t begin until October but I received the books and started reading the material in order to prepare for the school.

One of the books addresses the pros and cons of beginning a Home Inspection business. Apparently, this will be no cakewalk. The book is downright discouraging so I think I may have to find employment with a franchise before striking out on my own.

However, I’ve never been one to let discouragement affect me, nor am I known as one who follows the laws of common sense so I’ve set out on a quest for a company name. Since 50 other people already use “Sherlock Homes” across the country, I’ve decided to strive for originality. It seems that a popular way to name an inspection company is to use the suffix “spec” after partial words. I’ve seen names like Amerispec, Intellispec, and prospec. I want a name that sounds professional and competitive but I can’t stay serious long enough to come up with one. I also feel a gimmick might help.

Some of my choices thus far have been:

Retrospec – I figured I could arrive on the job in a polyester leisure suit and platform shoes.
Introspec – I can show up at the house and spend the entire time pondering myself then provide a report on my findings.
Megaspec – Maybe I can use oversized tools and provide a 5000 page report in a 3 inch binder.
Captain Crawlspace – Leotards and a cape…need I say more?
I thought “Water, Wood, and Wires” would be cool but it takes too long to say and won’t fit well on a business card. Besides, the yellow pages listing would really suck so I thought I might go with “Drips, Cracks, and Sparks”.
Looking through the yellow pages, I was impressed by those clever companies that use names like “AAA Home Inspections” or “1-stop Inspections”. I wonder if yellow pages listings make that much difference. Maybe I can go with “1-A1 Aardvark Home Inspections” or something.

I could move to that town in Florida that I've written about in the past and name the company "Inspecting Mianus".

Maybe you have a better idea…that’s why I’ve decided to draw on this valuable internet resource I call The Sound of Muzik. The only thing I want to avoid is the use of “Muzikdude” in the company name because it has nothing to do with the industry.

So…are you willing to help?

I’ve reached a turning point in life.

Dr. Smellgood has had his driver’s license for a few months and has been in an accident. The accident was very minor but my insurance rates have increased 120%, nonetheless.

I was paying $176 every month for three vehicles; one of which is new and two are old. Now I get to pay $400 every month. I told the Doc if he doesn’t pay me $200 per month, we will turn his license in and exclude him from my insurance. I have no choice.

…and I thought diapers were expensive…

I was hit by a car.

I stopped off at The Home Depot for a testosterone fix and was lucky enough to find that the closest parking space to the lumber was open. So I parked my car and stepped out onto the little island of gravel.

I must have been “in the zone” because I didn’t notice the little old lady that had pulled up behind my car. She was driving a big Caprice Classic…the size of which precluded her from being able to see more than an inch over the steering wheel. She had a crony with her…another white cap in the passenger seat.

As I stepped off the curb, the Grim Granny made a right turn into me. Her massive chrome bumper struck my leg just above the knee, pushing it sideways into my other leg causing me to trip and fall. I stumbled before I hit the pavement so I ended up quite a few feet in front of her.

She kept coming as if she were planning to finish me off.

I thought, “Dear God…are You serious? This is how I die?”

I could hear the screams from the passenger, “Mertle! Stop! I think you just hit something!”

The car came to rest only a foot or two from tragedy as I placed my hand on the bumper in a delusional attempt to hold the car at bay. Granny’s face took on a priceless expression as I rose into her line of sight above the hood ornament. People came running from the hot dog stand and garden department to make sure I wasn’t injured too badly. Granny apologized profusely but I contemplated suing The Home Depot for not posting a sign warning pedestrians of elderly drivers in the parking lot. After all, it would be the American thing to do.

My testosterone shortage was taken care of right there in the parking lot as people told me they couldn’t believe I was walking away from the ordeal. I was a momentary super hero.

Yes, I’ve been run down (once again) by a moving vehicle and lived to tell the story.

Upon editing this post, I’ve decided to leave the embellishment as is…for effect.

Mrs. Muzikdude and I decided to buy the newlyweds something they can really use. We bought them food.

This is not a gift one can leave on the table at the reception, although I think it would have been hilarious to hear about them digging through their gifts a few days after the wedding trying to find the one that smelled like rotten hamburger.

We took the Duckslayers along on the shopping trip since they know what JD and his bride like to eat.

We waited for almost an hour sitting in our vehicle on a 110-degree day because the Duckslayers said they would be there in 10 minutes so I was dehydrated from the beginning of the excursion but I didn’t dare tell Mrs. Duckslayer. (For more on this issue reference my story about bunnies and ducks.)

This was the first time I’ve ever shopped for groceries with the Duckslayers and I found the experience to be quite enlightening. Mrs. Duckslayer likes to eat healthy foods and Mr. Duckslayer does a great job pretending that he agrees with her. She insisted, since we were shopping for her son and his bride, that we buy only Duckslayer approved consumables. This precluded me from suggesting anything that I would buy for myself.

No corn nuts.
No pork rinds.
No beer.
No Moon Pies.
No Hot Pockets.
No Ramen. (Ramen has MSG and MSG is Baaaaaaad. Who knew?)

I picked up a case of Ramen and felt like a child who had just grabbed candy from the shelf.
Mrs. Duckslayer yelled at me, “No!”

“But I…”

“You put that back this instant…it has MSG!”

I put the ramen back on the shelf.

“Now go wash your hands!”

I looked to Mr. Duckslayer for support but he just shrugged and said “My feet feel great.”

I grew up eating MSG. My mom used it to tenderize meat. The Chinese use it in everything…I’m still alive and the Chinese have more people living on this planet than any other race. I would contend that MSG prolongs life but Mrs. Duckslayer won’t hear of it.

Mrs. Duckslayer read the ingredients on every package of every item we considered for purchase. She read the labels aloud and indirectly cautioned complete strangers against the evils of hydrogenated animal by products by waving her finger in the air as she spoke in an authoritative voice. She was like Moses reading the Ten Commandments to the Jews. Crowds gathered to hear her words and people began putting items from their carts back on the shelves while falling to their knees in healthy repentance. I thought Mr. Duckslayer might control the situation but he wouldn’t stop commenting on how great his feet felt. It took two hours to fill a single shopping cart…I can do that by myself in 20 minutes on a slow day.

Just as we entered the pasta aisle, we were greeted by Mrs. BunnyBasher. What a pleasant surprise! Here we are, 30 miles from her house at a Wal-Mart where she never shops and she suddenly and “coincidentally” saunters around the end cap like she just happened to “be in the neighborhood”.

(We all know she stalks the Duckslayers but we never really talk about it.)

The thing that really irked me is that, after all the cruel ridicule I received from Mrs. Duckslayer about my food choices, Mrs. Bunnybasher tosses a box of “Disney’s Princess Cereal” into the cart and Mrs. Duckslayer never said a word or even read the ingredients. For all we know, this cereal is fortified with Hemlock and Deadly Nightshade. The purchase was overlooked by the Duckslayers because their son has apparently married some sort of royalty (Henceforth referred to as "Princess Duckslayer"). So I found a matching box of Disney's Princess Pop Tarts for Princess Duckslayer and added it to the cart.

That was the only item Mrs. Duckslayer allowed me to contribute.

Actually, she also let me put honey in the cart because everyone knows that honey is the world’s most perfect food. Honey is low in acidity, which negates the fact that it’s also low in alkalinity. It’s neutral and it never spoils. Never. It’s like the cockroach of the food world in that it could survive a nuclear blast and still taste great. (That is NOT to say that cockroaches taste great…the reference was purely for the nuclear blast). You know, I think I may try to develop a cockroach that produces honey. What a great survival tool that would be…especially if I could figure out how to put them into a state of dormancy until needed. In the event of WWIII, we would need only to open our canned honey roaches and let them do their thing in the fallout shelter.

I digress.

With all the hoopla about health, Mrs. Duckslayer chose to purchase packaged lunch meat. I suggested we go to the deli but she said their meat doesn’t last as long.
Oh…really?
I can’t buy ramen because it has MSG but meat packed in formaldehyde is acceptable (as long as it isn’t Spam.)
I found the entire shopping trip to be confusing.

Once we were certain that we had filled the cart with a statement of health, we headed to the checkout.

I think it was Mr. Duckslayer that mentioned Coloradans love lines. That would also be the first time he said anything that didn’t have to do with his feet. What he said about lines is true; Coloradans will go out of their way to stand in a longer line. Mr. Duckslayer demonstrated by standing in line at the slowest register in the store. I think every store has a special register that is reserved for price checks and it’s always the one I choose. I wanted to use the self-checkout but I guess he felt the laser from the scanner would blind him or something.

As we stood in line for the rest of the day, I told Mr. Duckslayer that I couldn’t wait to sit down and rest.

He said his feet felt great.

Metro is out.

Someone needs to tell Mr. Duckslayer.

In an attempt to get all gussied up for his son’s wedding, Mr. Duckslayer accompanied his daughter to a day spa or something and had unmentionable acts performed on him. Unmentionable, that is, until I came across the information.

Now, I understand the need to bond with one’s daughter but there are limits. I don’t sit down and paint my nails with Dramamama nor do I wear a thong (as far as any of you know). I take my daughter hiking and things like that. I drive her to school in the mornings. I use weaponry to intimidate guys that vie for her attention. You know…normal stuff.

Mr. Duckslayer, However, crossed the line and got a pedicure with his daughter...no…No…NO! What’s next? Chick flix and tissues?

I fish with this guy. We go to gun shows. I have no desire to exfoliate with him. I fear he’s becoming something of a girly man and I can’t take it. That is not to say that I don’t take care of my feet but I usually just flip open my knife and lop off a hangnail or slice a callous…I have no need to visit a salon.

I must say, though, his feet looked very nice. They rivaled those of Wilma Flintstone’s, but the problem is that he had done something that caused me to notice. Men should NOT notice other men’s feet. It’s a rule. Nor should a man do anything that draws another man’s attention to his feet unless it involves blood, swelling, or broken bones. We even try to ignore things that fester or grow.

Mr. Duckslayer assumed I wanted to hear about his estrogen surge and told me how wonderful the experience was. The only cool part was when they had to go in the back room and pull out the industrial cheese grater to do his heels. He said it was snowing parmesan in the place as they ground his foot down. I think he looked about a half inch shorter.

All of this has really affected me. Last night I had an anxiety dream. Mr. Duckslayer and I had just launched a couple worms into a lake and sat down in our chairs. With beer in hand, I suddenly noticed how stunning Mr. Duckslayer’s pumps looked against the color of the beech.

I leapt from bed and washed my eyes with soap.

I may never sleep again.