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Monday, April 25, 2005
I’ve been writing about my friends quite a bit lately.
The Duckslayer family is beginning to act a bit superior because most of my stories are about them so in order to cool their egos a bit I thought I should turn my attention to the Bunnybasher family.
Mr. Bunnybasher has a soft heart. This is in stark contrast to his wife who once strangled a baby bunny and spiked it to the ground like an end zone victory celebration. For this reason, Mr. Bunnybasher was the logical choice to get rid of the skunks that had taken up residence in his woodpile.
Mr. Bunnybasher (known henceforth as “The Skunk Whisperer”) is preferred ten-to-one by discerning skunks with relocation needs. The Skunk Whisperer captured the varmint in a live trap (good start) and began to consider an appropriate release location. The new home needed to be conducive to the needs of smelly rodents so The Skunk Whisperer covered the cage and loaded the giant odor-rat into his car.
This is the point where Mrs. Bunnybasher’s methods would be more efficient. She would have rather beat the animal on a rock like dirty laundry. Of course, she would have had the Skunk Whisperer do the deed so she wouldn’t have to “get all smelly and stuff.”
Alas, the skunk had good karma (or something) and ended up with the better end of the deal. The Skunk Whisperer began to drive in search of a decent skunk habitat.
We all know that you can't just throw a skunk in an automobile and take it for a ride. The Sunk Whisperer was prepared for this. He put his new friend at ease with an entire can of ether (starter fluid) he had in the garage. The Skunk was indeed very calm.
Colorado has many deer and a plethora of rabbits, but the Skunk Whisperer was looking for Bambi and Thumper. He wanted his skunk (henceforth known as Flower) to spend the rest of her life in a Disneyesque environment. The Skunk Whisperer is somewhat an idealist and a definite throwback from the 60s so he continued to press on toward a skunky utopia.
The rest of the story is very much like Goldilocks and the Three Bears. No place seemed to be suitable for Flower. There was either not enough shrubbery, the ground was too hard, or the weather too cold. So he drove…and he drove…and drove.
Finally, after hours of searching, the Skunk Whisperer found the perfect spot nearly 90 miles and two hours from ye olde woodpile of origin. ‘Tis true. He searched high and low and ended up farther away than any professional “pest relocation service” would have dreamed. Incidentally, those “pest eradication” companies trap the animal in a cage and take it back to their parking lot where they beat it against a rock.
The time spent between the Skunk Whisperer and Flower created a bond that time and distance could not break. Some time later, Flower returned to the woodpile. She had to brave interstate traffic and harsh environmental conditions but she found her way home.
We’ve all heard stories of lost dogs or cats making their way across a continent to be with their family. This is another of those tales.
The Skunk Whisperer ignored Mrs. Bunnybasher’s insistence that he beat the creature on a rock and loaded his friend in the car once more. He found it difficult to drive with the tears welling in his eyes, for he knew that this must be a shorter trip. He only traveled 10 miles from home but this time he blindfolded Flower and upon reaching his destination, the Skunk Whisperer spun the cage like a top so Flower would lose her sense of direction.
The scene was heart wrenching.
The Skunk Whisperer opened the cage to let Flower loose and she emerged from the cage angry, dizzy, and nauseous. He yelled at her through streaming tears, “Go away! I don’t want you around anymore…you’re a bad skunk! GO! JUST GO!”
He sobbed uncontrollably.
Flower was so hurt that she tried to spray the Skunk Whisperer but dizziness hindered her aim.
The Skunk Whisperer barely made it home. He pulled off the road as he burst into tears reminiscing about days spent with Flower. He laid his forehead against the sterring wheel and pounded his fist on the dashboard as he thought about the time Flower saved him when he had fallen into the well and carefree days hunting for grubs in the woodpile.
Yeah…good times.
We’ve not seen Flower since. The Skunk Whisperer was so emotionally distraught by the ordeal that he moved his family to the mountains where he could be closer to nature and commune with woodland creatures. He has a beautiful new house on a lot with no rocks.
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