I already explained why I shop at Wal Mart but I never said I like the place.

This evening, I loaded the dog in the truck and headed of to the Wal Mart for some near beer, pork rinds, corn nuts, and moon pies. It was dinner time.
Ok… I was actually just going to get some ice cream.

Wal Mart’s parking lot in the evening is fun. I was able to show off my driving skills by navigating a path through all the shopping carts that were left behind by the daytime shopaholics. The wind was blowing so the carts had taken on a possessed-like animation, rolling around the lot in all different directions. Finding a parking space was simple and a shopping cart came to me like a puppy in a pet shop. I was there for a half gallon of ice cream so I thanked the cart for the offer and sent it on it’s way.

Now, this next part is true, although you probably won’t believe it. I walked into the store where the little old greeter lady had the carts all lined up like a NASCAR starting line. I declined the use of a cart for the second time but said hi to the woman. She just looked up at me and farted.

Alrighty then. I'm not sure she was even aware it was her making all the noise.

The night time crowd in Wal Mart is a different breed. You can tell that some of these people are regulars. I can view these things objectively because I am not typically a night shopper. These shoppers don’t realize they are weird. I think they're like people who work at a sewage treatment facility; they work there every day so after awhile they don’t notice the smell in the air or on each other, but it’s obvious to someone from the outside.
The night time staff is no different.

So I went straight to the frozen food aisle to get my ice cream. Apparently, frozen food attracts large numbers of night shoppers. Simply obtaining a half gallon of ice cream had become a daunting task on a slalom course of zombie eyed night shoppers in a hunger induced trance. By the time I finally had the ice cream in hand, I felt as though I had won a gold medal event.

Now all I had to do was get in line and pay. I found an “express” lane with only one other person in it and fell in place behind them. The cashier moved with the alacrity of a sloth and there were no other people in sight so I took five steps back toward the deli to see if they had any popcorn chicken left. The deli was closed so I got back in line.

The cashier leaned her bouffant over the counter and said “excuse me sir…I’m closed” as she pointed to the lane number sign which was now turned off.

“you were open ten seconds ago, when I was in line”. I said politely.

“This is my last customer, sir. Lane #2 is open”

I took my place as customer number 5 in lane number 2.

Of course, the person at the front of this new line was waiting for a price check as the line grew behind me. I watched the cashier in lane #1 take her cash drawer and leave the register. Not 2 minutes later, another cashier opened the lane and all the people behind me swarmed to it. Meanwhile, I’m left holding a half gallon of melting ice cream still waiting for someone to get a price check on a bra.

I decided to step out of line and go to the self check out lane.

By now I was thinking back to the two times I had declined the use of a shopping cart. The funny thing about ice cream is that while it’s getting warm and melting, my hand is getting frost bite.

As I reached the do-it-yourself checkout, I saw that the only person there was paying for their stuff. Finally, I was about to get out of that stupid place.

I scanned the ice cream and placed it in the bag. I expected the computer voice to ask me how I wanted to pay but my life isn’t that cut and dry. Instead, what the computer chick said was “The item you placed in the bag does not match the weight of the item scanned”.

What? I looked at the screen to see that the item rang up as “light” ice cream but I bought the full-on fat kind. Is there really a weight difference between the two? Maybe the weight had changed because it was now in a liquid state.

I waited for an “associate” to reset the stupid machine (or whatever). I glanced back at the “express” lane to find that I would have been on my way home by now if I had stayed in line.

When the associate finally showed up, I had a half gallon of flavored milk in an ice cream container. I gave her a quick rundown of my frustration and politely told her I was going to decorate the store with melted ice cream if she didn’t allow me to go get a different one. She agreed to let me make the exchange and before I knew it, I was on my way out of the store.

As I exited the building I was approached by a woman with a shopping cart full of Girl Scout cookies. She asked if I wanted to buy some. I told her that she looked a bit old to be a girl scout and we had a laugh together. Actually, I didn’t notice if she was laughing but I was. She said it was too late for her girls to be out selling cookies and she was trying to help them out. I made a remark about cookie scalping and had another laugh then I told her I had more GS cookies than I could eat in a year. Yeah, I lied, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I just wanted some ice cream.

The ice cream was good…really good…but I’m still not sure if it was worth the work.