"I've been described as a lighthouse in the middle of a bog; brilliant, but useless"

I must be doing this wrong. I have yet to flood my blog with posts of profanity, Sports or politics. It seems I'm supposed to have paragraph after paragraph talking about my blog, itself...or about blogging in general. Maybe I could start posting about profane sports politics as they relate to the blogging community...that would kill all the birds with one stone.

That is not to say that I don't like birds. Birds are great. I love turkey and chicken, Cornish game hen or squab, capon is very good as well. Yup, I love the fowl of the earth and the last thing I would want to do is upset a Green Peace Activist.

I know...I know...I'm supposed to be a vegan in order to appease the animal lovers of the world but it isn't like I kill animals; they're already dead and the only reason I eat meat from the store instead of sitting around waiting for my dog to die is because it's quick and convenient. Besides, road kill can make you really sick. So I eat steak but I would never kill a cow...not directly.

My wife loves cows. Our house is a Bovine Shrine. We have cow figurines, cows with wings, cow plush toys, cow cowboys. We have cows in the kitchen, cows in the bath, cows eating hay (but no cow aftermath)...good Lord...I'm turning into Dr. Seuss.

Good old Dr. Seuss... He was evil. He wrote books with words that didn't exist in any language just so you could look like an idiot in front of your kids. The worst book was "Oh Say Can You Say". My son would pull that book out for a bedtime story. I think he just liked to see my fallibility. "Reading" that book left me looking like a verbal newborn...a fawn trying to walk for the first time... a semi-literate buffoon.

So you think you can do it? Whatever...read this to the little ones tonight.

Fresh Fish
Do you like fresh fish?
It's just fine at Finney's Diner.
Finney also has some fresher fish
that's fresher and much finer.
But his best fish is his freshest fish
and Finney says with pride,
"The finest fish at Finney's is
my freshest fish, French-fried!"

SO...don't order the fresh or the fresher fish.
At Finney's, if you're wise, you'll say,
"Fetch me the finest, French-fried freshest
fish that Finney fries!"

Dr. Seuss' book, "Oh say can you say"

You can bet the ol' doc didn't use the auto-correct feature on Word. Just look at some of his characters...he would make up names just so the rhythm of the story would flow correctly. Here's a few: Zable: Zall: Zamp: Zans: Zatz-it: Zax: Zeds: Zeep: Zelf: Zellar: Ziff: Zillow: Zinn-a-Zu Bird: Zizzer-zazzer-zuzz: Zlock: Zong: Zooks: Zoop-a-Zoop Troupe: Zower: Zuff: Zummers:

All of this from a Dartmouth grad! Those red Microsoft squiggly lines are making me crazy! And all of those "Z's"!!!!!!!!!! He surely isn't from Australia, Great Britain, or Canada.

I've often wondered if those countries actually have the letter Z on their keyboard. I mean, what would life be like without a last letter? I would theorise that unless we realise that there's a need for that final letter we can never analyse our literary environments well enough to socialise with one another...not to mention honouring each other's favourite colours. Sheesh...that's a blog in itself.

Maybe it’s an island thing. Australia is an island…and a very large one at that… so is Britain. Canada is like an island; they’re cut off from the rest of the world by water and an arrogant, unwelcoming country.

I have nothing against Canada. Some very good friends of mine are from the great white north. The Canadians have contributed greatly to this planet and it’s inhabitants. Think about it, they brought us Labatt’s Blue, the McKenzie Brothers, Curling, and Colin Mochrie. Life wouldn’t be the same without Canadian comedy and Canadian beer. Oh! Canada! America could learn a lot from a country that minds it’s own business. Yesiree…laugh…drink…curl…HOCKEY! I almost forgot about the single greatest contribution to humanity. Not that Americans get to see any hockey this year. We’ll just chalk that one up to good old fashioned capitalist greed.

America is not a bad country as countries go; it’s the citizens who tend toward arrogance. We are not very tolerant of foreigners. We expect them to leave their culture behind so they can live like us. Yeah…we have culture. A bastardized culture derived from all the different cultures we condemn. But hey, we’re American so we have the right…or left…depending on your viewpoint.

Hey! Was that a political statement? Am I doing it right now?