I want to spread some holiday cheer but I need your help. If you have a post about the holidays, leave a comment or an excerpt below with a link to your post so we can all enjoy it.
Thursday, November 25, 2004
I’ve been cooking for two days. I will create a culinary masterpiece. This meal alone is reason for giving thanks…it’s that good. I’ve put a portion of my soul into the preparation of these dishes and I can’t wait to present it to my family.
This is the one annual event that leaves me feeling cultured. I take care to create a gastronomic experience for everyone that will be present at the table. I put on some classical music and cook with fresh spices and ingredients that contain alcohol. I use techniques that have French names and I use specialty tools purchased from The Pampered Chef. I am a culinary artist…
This is so far beyond my typical bowl of ramen. Although I do dress my ramen up with some chicken (gotta have meat). I usually fry it with some spices and Marsala wine (so I can call it Chicken Marsala)…and that’s about it…I’ve cooked.
So, after two days of preparation; I walk away with a sense of accomplishment.
So, the meal was prepared, the table was set, and the kids were clean and dressed (as was the turkey). Norman Rockwell couldn’t have painted more romance into the picture. It was heart warming. The family looked truly domesticated, civilized, and dapper in their “Sunday goin’-to-meetin’ clothes”.
I said a heart-felt prayer that could have coaxed a tear from the eye of the most hardened heart. I ended the prayer with a simple “Amen”.
The sound of the “n” was still resonating in my mouth when the dust began to fly. All I could see was a blur of elbows and hands lunging across the table in a quest to be the first to attain a grip on their favorite dish. Not a word was said and the only sounds were that of glass bowls lightly clanking against each other and the table. There was also the occasional slap on the back of the hand when someone targeted the same side dish as I. It was not unlike dropping a ham hock into a school of piranha.
My children were transformed into demonic gastronomes. The whole of their communication was reduced to grunts and assorted barnyard noises. Their eyes glowed red and steam snorted from their nostrils. The dogs were too afraid to beg…they stayed in the kitchen scrounging for crumbs and anything that may have been dropped on the floor during the preparation of the meal.
What has become of my family?
I looked across the table at my wife…my beautiful wife…who had just raised her head from the kill to growl at me…
I too was in a “zone”… I had an unusual urge to bite my son as he reached for more turkey.
As we neared a satisfactory level of “fullness” things slowed from the previous feeding frenzy to the more relaxed pace of slothful contentment. We even began to discuss the meal…not so much the behavior surrounding it as the great taste of the food.
I was pleased that there were no arguments at the table. We usually get along very well, and for that, I am thankful. We didn’t even need to finish the meal with the traditional Prozac pie.
I’m in awe of the fact that the meal I had prepared for two and a half days was reduced to a pile of smoking debris in less than 15 minutes. I was happy that the meal was well recieved but I was torn to see my culinary magnum opus brought down with such ease.
American holidays are the greatest.
Return to top of page
Disclaimer:
This blog does not exist to attack you personally, offend you personally, or entertain you personally. If one chooses to react to the content of said blog personally, they will be held personally responsible for their actions. Furthermore, the owner of this site reserves the right to personally remove some or all of the content to include comments left by you personally. Prosecutors will be violated. (Nothing personal.)
This blog should not be read by people that have smoked crack within the last 24 hours, are on barbituates, hallucinogens, or blood thinners. If you are currently experiencing blunt force trauma discontinue reading and see a physician.
Side effects of this blog may include, but are not limited to, headache, nausea, Psychosis, loss of bladder control, schizophrenia, flatulence, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, religious conversion, an uncontrollable desire to break out into the singing of show tunes, world peace, pregnancy, inadvertent homosexuality, or (in rare cases) eternal damnation.
The author will not be held responsible for misuse of information by concentrating and inhaling. Author is not responsible for damage to computer screens, keyboards, or any other electronic equipment due to the reader's inability to hold liquids in their mouth while reading. The author does not necessarily endorse the material contained herein. This material may be reproduced in part for educational, non profit, or satirical use. The material may not be reproduced in whole without express consent of the author in writing. This blog may not be used to incite riots, as evidence in child custody lawsuits, as statement of character at parole board hearings, as proof for the existence of nuns, or for any purpose other than personal entertainment. Which, as stated above, is not personally guaranteed. Void where prohibited. Some restrictions may apply. See profile for details.
Muzikdude and his contributors disclaim all warranties and conditions, either express or implied, including, but not limited to, implied warranties of merchantability, fitness for a particular purpose, title, and non-infringement, with regard to the written product, and the provision of or failure to provide support services. This non-existent warranty gives you no specific legal rights. You may have others, which vary from state/jurisdiction to state/jurisdiction but we will ignore them nonetheless. Donations are not refundable but may be tax deductible. See your tax advisor for details. This site will not accept responsibility for legal indiscretions on your part. We do not function as legal counsel, tax advisors, meteoroligists, physicians, phychotherapists, sports analysts, massage therapists, political pundits, comedians, or high school counselors although we may comment on such matters. Be sure to look into local and federal laws before acting on anything that is said on this site or in its disclaimer.
© 2004-2005 John Skiba and muzikdude.com
