I want to spread some holiday cheer but I need your help. If you have a post about the holidays, leave a comment or an excerpt below with a link to your post so we can all enjoy it.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
We started with Handcuffing Technique Refresher Training…that was a real yawn. Then we moved on to Suspect Control…it was an opportunity to get physical and vent some frustration but other than that it was pretty lame. Then there was the Use of Force Training... I think that for every action there should be an equal and opposite reaction when it comes to detaining someone. If they fight, I should fight back. Of course, I'll maintain professionality through the whole ordeal..."Sir, would you like medical attention?"..."I mean, I just threw a pretty good whoopin on ya and it looked like it hurt pretty bad so I'm sure you'll want a doctor to look at your injuries."
Tomorrow, I’ll spend 6 hours on Tactical Baton Techniques (this has nothing to do with a marching band) It's a telescoping metal rod with a weighted ball on the end. Basically, if you hit someone with this thing, bones will break. I’m looking forward to this one because I’ll actually get a certification from ASP Tactical Baton Manufacturer. W00t!…there’s something to hang on my “I love me” wall.
Tomorrow morning is also the beginning of blood borne pathogen awareness training. That should keep me on the edge of my seat. Then we will be issued our level 3 second chance vest (bullet proof) that weighs about 30 lbs or so. I can’t wait to don that thing along with my 100 lb rucksack. If I can still dial a phone at the end of the day I plan to call the neurosurgeon that did my back surgery so we can do a victory dance together.
The weapons training will be cool... M-16, 9mm, M203 grenade launcher etc…It's like redneck 101. It'll be a tactical course so we'll get to run and shoot and duck and cover, and shoot...and shoot...and shoot. That should look great on a resume'...especially if I ever go back to Michigan. (That's a militia joke...get it?)
I think my favorite class is going to be “verbal judo” or the art of talking to people and convincing them that you’re their pal just before you slap the cuffs on and toss them into a squad car.
We’ll be spending quite some time with Special Forces for hand to hand combat training. I’m looking forward to that. I'll get the snot kicked out of me over and over again by Green Berets until I learn to defend myself. What a gas that'll be.
I spent my first 7 years in the Air Force in a combat unit so I’m no stranger to much of this…like convoy tactics and security. The problem is that I’ve been identified as having this prior training so they decided to use me as a resource that could land me in Iraq augmenting the Army. Silly me. I thought that joining the Air Force would mean that I would actually work with the Air Force. And what about the "Army of One"? Who is this guy and why does he need my help? He's the one who decided to do this alone. Now all of a sudden he wants to be my friend because he can't handle things. So much for "team players"... looks like everyone wants to be a hero. Always asking for air support... I’m sure God has a plan here, but I’m failing to see what it is.
We had our 3-hour class on blood borne pathogens this morning. I should have gone to bed earlier because it was a chore to remain on this side of consciousness… at least until I discovered the espresso at the snack bar. I figured it would be a good idea to partake…I was wrong.
This was the most potent cup of espresso I’ve ever encountered. 5 minutes after drinking it I was in my seat and noticed my knee was bouncing up and down at a rate of (roughly) 1200 rpms…it was moving so fast that it was nearly audible. The amazing thing was, that even though I could barely see it due to the speed it was moving, I could still count how many times it bounced in 1 second. We were watching the world’s most boring video with the world’s most monotone narration about the world’s most boring subject and now I’m hyper and crawling out of my skin.
This espresso had effects that I’d never experienced before…I swear that my eyesight suddenly improved, I could hear things that were only distinguishable by canines and I felt as if I could fly. In fact, I’m pretty sure that I levitated at one point but I can’t prove it. Everything on the video slowed down…the narrators voice got lower and slower and a 1-hour video seemed to take half a day. Lunch seemed like it would never come. I think I went to the bathroom 3 times in five minutes…but I was moving so fast that people didn’t even notice. I grew hair on the soles of my feet, the palms of my hands, and my teeth. This was some good coffee.
I was like a hummingbird on crack. I think I liked it…I nicknamed their snack bar “The Meth Lab”
This afternoon will mark the beginning of Tactical Baton Training. I just might get another espresso fix before going. I’ll be unstoppable. I’m like a superhero with no powers or motivation. I’m “Caffeine Man”…
I hate to see what’s going to happen when I come down.
It just dawned on me that I typed this entire post in less than 3 seconds…I think…It’s all just a blur.
We were to find a partner in the class to do baton training with but I was in the bathroom (again) when they paired up so I got the only guy left when I came back. There was a very good reason that no one chose to be this dude’s partner. He was a 7 foot, 250-pound corn fed, Iowa-raised, farm boy named Günter and I've been afforded the opportunity to fight with him. The guy has missing teeth and the circumference of his head is larger than my waist. His smile, however, is dazzling with a big gold incisor to really set things off...I felt like prey.
I stopped at the “Meth Lab” and poured another cup of espresso in hopes that it would make me numb to the pain I was about to encounter…Günter picked me up and tucked me under his arm and off to the gym we went.
We used fake batons made of rubber so as not to break each other’s bones…yeah…right.
Günter liked the loud noise that the rubber baton made when he smacked it on the floor. He just kept hitting the ground and laughing... and drooling... and breathing heavy like a wolf at a feeding frenzy. He would stop occasionally and look at me like “Isn’t this fun?” I just smiled and tried to slam my baton on the floor too, but with all the caffeine in my system all I could do was a sort of spastic, one-handed drum roll. The speed was impressive, as was the buzzing noise…(like bumble bee wings), but there was an obvious lack of force. All I could hope to do would be to keep moving so he couldn't hit me…no problem there, as long as I didn’t come down from my buzz in the middle of things.
They say that when a person’s life is in danger, their entire life will flash before their eyes but all I saw was the chain of events that brought me to this point. I saw the things that led to my choosing this career over something less hazardous such as explosive ordinance disposal.
It turned out that I was afraid for no reason since we weren’t allowed to make actual contact with our partner. The worst part of the exercise was that Günter was prone to profuse sweating and was in need of a personal hygiene class. All in all, it was a pretty decent trade off from what I had anticipated.
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