The Sound of Muzik

Here is a serious article from WikiHow. I wanted to add a few things but I wasn’t sure the author would appreciate my point of view as a contributor so I’ll just make the changes here.

How to Present Yourself As an Educated Person

In this article, you’ll find our how to impress people at work, school, and social gatherings.

(Muzikal edit: In other words; this article will teach you the fine art of pompous pretense. Also…notice the title…why is the word “As” more important than the word “an”? Did I miss something in school?)

Steps

1. When talking to people use correct grammar. Use complete thoughts, pause at the proper places, and remove “like” and “um” from your vocabulary.

(Muzikal edit: Aint it the truth? *pause for effect* It’s like, really important to be…um…yeah.)

2. Don’t use the same words over and over again. Expand your vocabulary so that you can express yourself with a minimal but effective amount of words and phrases.

(Muzikal edit: Like saying things like “like” or using the phrase “over and over” capped off with the word “again”…remember rule #1. You might want to make sure that when you expand your vocabulary you also learn the definitions and proper use of the words. Don’t use words ad nauseum)

3. Do not use slang, especially terms that may offend someone.

(Muzikal edit: If you cannot remember your boss’s wife’s name do not refer to her as “ho’” or “biatch”)

4. Be honest.

(Muzikal edit: Unless it will expose you as a mental imp.)

5. Listen carefully and completely understand what the other person is saying before offering your view, especially when giving advice.

(Muzikal edit: Then begin your opine with the phrase “…and here’s why you’re wrong…”)

6. Do not probe anyone for information that they don’t want to share.

(Muzikal edit: It’s a pretty good rule of thumb not to probe for anything else either…unless you can convince them you’re a doctor.)

7. Be neat in appearance; in particular, iron your clothes, make sure all buttons are closed, keep your hair neat, and keep your teeth clean.

(Muzikal edit: Everyone knows that only educated people brush their teeth)

8. Take care to be on time.

(Muzikal edit: Again, only educated people are on time. The credit for this trait goes to the mandatory university courses in punctuality.)

9. Remove bad habits such as nail biting or hair twirling.

(Muzikal edit: Yes, hair twirling is a definite sign of idiocy. You can pass off poor grammar and the fact that you only talk about current events as reported in the Enquirer as long as you don’t twirl your hair or bite your nails.)

10. Ask before borrowing things.

(Muzikal edit: An uneducated person would phrase this as “don’t steal”. Stealing is a sure sign of ignorance.)

11. Keep your possessions neat and organized. Don’t chew on your pens or break apart your things.

(Muzikal edit: Likewise, don’t piss on the carpet, chew on the furniture or wear a thong on your head. Of course, if you went to college, you would already know this. Strike that…most people learn to do those things while attending college.)

12. Choose a cellphone ringtone that will not embarass you if it rings in front of other people.

(Muzikal edit: If you’re taking this article seriously, I would consult a friend on this one…your instincts can’t be trusted. Barry Manilow ringtones will never let you down. I would suggest The Copacabana. The best move is to choose a ringtone that doesn’t embarrass you but causes others to be embarrassed for you.)

13. Have a pen, some paper, some quarters, a bus ticket, and $20 with you at all times.

(Muzikal edit: This is my favorite…you drive to the party, feed the parking meter with quarters, get sloppy drunk and take the bus home. Then use the $20 to get a cab to take you to your car the next morning. The pen and paper come in handy when writing your suicide note once you remember all the things you did the night before. That just screams “I’m educated!”)

14. Be polite. Say “hello,” “please,” “thank you,” “sorry,” and “excuse me.”

(Muzikal edit: Not all in the same sentence lest you appear neurotic. I use the phrase “excuse me” quite often. It always makes me appear educated because those with intelligence don’t try to blame the dog.)

Tips
(Muzikal edit: Tips? What was everything up to this point?)

• Practice these rules at home until they become instinctive.

(Muzikal edit: Yes, it takes practice not to be a moron)

• Pay attention to your surroundings.

(Muzikal edit: Good point. You risk looking like a total moron if you discuss quantum physics while standing in the toilet…I’ve heard)

• Exhibit your personality, style, and charisma. Always wear a smile.

(Muzikal edit: A smile is the absolute minimum…always accessorize the smile with garments such as pants.)

• Be prepared (see numbers 8, 9, and 14).

(Muzikal edit: This one works…scout’s honor. Also, the bidet is not a drinking fountain)

Warnings
Never build a false image for yourself or pretend to be something you aren’t.

(Muzikal edit: In other words: Disregard everything you’ve read to this point.)

• Never, ever try to act superior or smater than the other person.

(Muzikal edit: The word “smater” was actually misspelled in the original article. I wonder if the author knows how to spell “irony”. So, if you actually are more intelligent than the person to whom you are speaking; be sure to “dumb it down”)

• Try not to annoy people.

(Muzikal edit: Well, doesn’t that just sum it up? Maybe I’ll just stay home from now on)

• Never use profanity.

(Muzikal edit: Damn)

• If you don’t understand something, clarify it immediately, before the other person asks you a question about it.

(Muzikal edit: Yes, you will look educated if you constantly ask what the heck your conversation partner is talking about. Conversely, if you’re going to BS someone, make sure they don’t know what you’re talking about either.)

• Don’t gossip.

(Muzikal edit: Unless it’s really good stuff)

• Before telling a joke or making a statement, ask yourself if it may offend someone.

(Muzikal edit: You don’t trust yourself enough to just be yourself but you’re going to trust your judgment on this issue?)

• Be careful not to come across as rude when changing the subject.

(Muzikal edit: Just say “…but enough about you, let’s talk about me.”)

• Never compromise your values.

(Muzikal edit: As long as your values don’t go against putting on an act to impress people).

Look, if you want to appear educated; you should probably get an education.

I work two jobs. Not a full time with a moonlit part time gig but two full time positions at the same place. I perform my duties simultaneously so I need to be as efficient as possible. I also have two different bosses. The good thing is that they pay no attention to me and let me do my job as I see fit.
I couldn’t ask for better working conditions. In fact, if I didn’t need a paycheck I would probably do this for free. I like it that much.
Until today.
We’re nearing the end of our fiscal year which means I need to do a budget for each of my departments. That’s two budgets when I loathe the thought of even doing one.
I don’t get the whole accounting thing. I’m going to give them a piece of paper with all the things I would like to have next year and they will send it back and tell me to trim the fat. Okay…I can do that. I will then send them a thinner piece of paper with all the things I need for the upcoming year. They will send it back and tell me to need less. So I will send them a less needy piece of paper and they will approve it.
As we trudge through the year, I will spend the same amount of money I originally projected and they will fault me for being over budget. So the idea of a budget is to form scapegoats.
I’m just sayin…

Muzikdude.com got hacked.

I guess this site isn’t the mighty binary fortress I thought. Actually, it’s my webhost. They fly this banner that touts their services as “hacker safe” but I think “hacker friendly” is closer to the truth. I know 3 other sites that host with this company and all but one have been hacked in the last two weeks. Of course, the hosting company tells all of us that it’s our fault because our security is set incorrectly, but the hacker uploaded files while signed in as a system user.

So if you’re looking for a webhost; be sure to check into their security.

Also, since I’m still with HostExcellence.com I decided to exercise restraint by not mentioning their name.

I suck. Yeah, I haven’t written in, like, 6 months. Actually, I have been writing just not here. Besides, I’ve been busy with truly important things such as putting criminals behind bars.

It’s true; I was recently served with a subpoena to testify for the people of Colorado in a high profile court case. I was amazed that my testimony was so important, especially when I couldn’t even remember witnessing anything. The subpoena didn’t reference the charges; only the defendant, so my imagination began to run wild with what this trial might be about. I pictured Tony Soprano and company staring me down while I turned state’s evidence about their latest “thing”. However, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t, for the life of me, remember seeing anything exciting.

I couldn’t stand the suspense and called the district attorney’s office with hope they could shed light on the enigma. After an extensive search of the court’s database I was told I would testify in a case of Dog At Large.

It all came back to me, slowly, like the rising tide. I had signed a piece of paper stating I saw a Black Labrador roaming the streets of our neighborhood. Others neighbors claimed to know who owned the animal but the alleged perp categorically denied the accusation and stated that his dog was still in his house.

This went on daily for almost three weeks. My understanding is that there was eventually enough evidence that the dog owner was served with a citation. The guy decided that he didn’t want to pay the fine and opted for a court trial.

So I showed up to court on the specified date only to find that I was the only person there to represent the hood. Upon checking the docket posted outside the courtroom, I realized the case wasn’t listed so I showed my subpoena to the DA. He said that case was actually scheduled for the prior week to which the defendant didn’t show so they rescheduled for the date of my subpoena. Unfortunately, my papers commanded me to show at 1:00pm but the case was actually on the morning docket. Again…no defendant.

The DA said they had issued a bench warrant and planned to pick the guy up at home during the week sometime. So this guy is going to jail because he refuses to admit his dog got loose and he was too irresponsible to show up to the trial HE requested. Now aside from wondering how the DA’s office can rise to such a level of ineptness I need to know what this guy is going to tell his cell mate when the inevitable question of “whatcha in for” arises.

I guess there was an initial court date for which my presence was not requested but other neighbors showed. These were the people that said they knew he was the owner of the dog. One of them lives directly across the street from the man and they say that since the trial, he has had a telescope aimed at their front window.

I have to admit – if I lived there I would suddenly begin walking around nude and point a telescope back at his house with a sign requesting he strip down as well. Regardless…I think I’ll be applying for the witness protection program.

Ever have one of those days where you remember you have a blog? Then you go to look at it to make sure it hasn’t burned to the ground and see something as embarrassing as a Christmas post.
Instant mortification.
So, I’m working on more stuff because I want to start posting for my readers again - both of you.

Hang in there. It’s just around the bend.

A repost from days of yore…cuz it’s good and I don’t have time…hell, I even reposted the comments.

Santa gives me the creeps.
He knows when I am sleeping.
He knows when I’m awake.
He knows if I’ve been bad or good.
He’s a voyeur for goodness sake. (more…)

Glade has this really cool air freshener that shoots a fine mist of fragrance at timed intervals. Mrs. Muzikdude bought one for our bathroom and placed it on the shelf unit above the toilet which turned out to be a welcomed addition. Trust me, it was a good decision and I support it.

I’m a bit gaseous, I admit it freely, hell, I even embrace it from time to time but Mrs. Muzikdude doesn’t share my enthusiasm and experience has shown us that industrial strength is the way to go when it comes to odor control in our house. Passive little plug-in oil pods are, without question, insufficient and scented candles do nothing but add vanilla to the egg leaving us with a need for a deodorizer that resembles a power tool.

Last night I made a typical late night trip to the restroom and stood before the toilet admiring the new air freshener for lack of anything more interesting to look at…I mean…there was certainly something more interesting but I’ve lived with it all my life and the novelty has worn off…besides, I was half asleep and…

I digress.

Anyway, there I was, in the most vulnerable of moments, staring at the little fragrance shooter when I was unexpectedly maced with a burst of citrus. I jumped back (I know—not a good idea), my eyes were on fire and all I could do is scream “I’m sorry!” as if I were being punished for something. Was this castigation for being a gaseous man? Is this the intent of the apparatus? Did the directions specify installing it at eye level? At this point I could have been hosing down the mirror but as I regained what composure I may have had before the incident, I realized I was still (mostly) on target.

My hand immediately moved upward to rub my eyes but the thought of sanitation kept me from touching my face. I just took it like a man and let the steady flow of tears clear it out. I was now wide awake but not happy. I washed my hands and rinsed my eyes but the ordeal left me with puffy red eyes and a runny nose.

Mrs. Muzikdude awoke as I made my way back to bed and saw the condition of my face. She said “wow, that must have been a rough one…sure am glad we have an air freshener” and drifted back to sleep.

When my friends suggested we go out and get some booty I thought it was an urban reference when, in fact, it was a pirate reference which was more appropriate given it’s autumn, more specifically, the last day of October.

What a nostalgic experience; to romp around the neighborhood with a pillowcase begging for sweets. At 44 years old, however, I was a bit out of place but it was worth the awkward looks from homeowners for that trip down memory lane. The only thing that was missing from this recent outing was the trip to the police station to have the apples x-rayed for razor blades and the candy bars for sewing needles. I guess the whole thing about killing children on All Hallows Eve was a fad. I remember a story from the eighties about a guy that was caught handing out marijuana with Snicker bars. My friends and I spent the entire night looking for that house the following year but all we came home with was candy. At least we still had the thrill of wondering whether we would survive eating it all. I mean, you never knew when you would bite into a Three Musketeers bar that was injected with rat poison.

A lot of things have changed since then.

Which brings up a question: What deranged confectioner decided a 2 ounce candy bar was fun? I know fun and that’s not it; make a one pound Milky Way and we’ll talk. I remember when a king sized candy bar was as big as my forearm—bearing in mind that my forearm was much smaller back then—and king sized meant two servings. In retrospect, I would have to say that those were not the healthiest days of my life and more than likely contributed to poor eating habits so in the interest of healthy adolescence, I handed out bran flakes. That’s right…I’ve decided that the youth of today needs more fiber.

One thing that hasn’t changed is the excitement that comes with throwing toilet paper in a tree. We have a cherry tree in our front yard that was amply adorned with Charmin last year so this year we were prepared. We have 3 dogs whose droppings I transferred from the back yard to the front yard. I did this for a week to ensure there was enough to go around. So…the tree was still toilet papered but the kids didn’t go home without a gift from me. I rock like that. Some things are so much better than candy.

It’s been really hot this week. Must be global warming.

Sure, it’s also August and I’m in the Northern hemisphere but that’s no excuse for this weather. I can actually hear the polar bears crying as the ice cap melts. Not to mention those poor little penguins in Antarctica…I mean, the males have this instinct to huddle together during this time of year to ward off the cold but with all this global warming isn’t that practice a little…um…gay? What’s going to happen when that one penguin in the middle of the huddle blurts out “Hey, fellas…it really isn’t that cold and quite frankly, I feel a bit awkward.”
Yeah, that might cause a problem.

I subscribe to the theory that the planet is on a cycle and we’re at the point where things get warmer and eventually head toward the next ice age. I readily admit that I don’t base that opinion on any kind of deep insight or education, I just find it easier to accept and I don’t have the time, energy, or inclination to join the cause that intends to save humanity from itself. I think it would be much easier for everyone if we embrace global warming.

We can even make it fun! Let’s declare a new holiday and call it Global Warming Day. There’s nothing wrong with warmth. In fact, we describe the good things in life as warm such as a warm heart or a warm feeling as opposed to a cold heart or a cold attitude. So warm is good.

Global Warming Day could be the new Thanksgiving, with a Global Warming Parade and festivals. We’ll all gather at parks for aerosol wars, ice melting contests, and SUV races. My favorite would be the dunk tank…yeah…where we try to sink the Green Peace Activist by throwing baby seals at a target.

I can’t see why people have to be divided on this issue anyway. The only reason humans even exist is because the earth can’t produce plastic on its own. Once the planet has enough plastic we will die out…its natural selection…we will fulfill our purpose, we will cease to exist. It’s inevitable and it’s natural, so why fight it? We are the modern day dinosaur. Not to worry…nature will ensure that some lower species will rise up, become intelligent and rule the planet. This new species will consider plastic a natural resource and will mine it from ancient landfills. The new world order will consume all the plastic on the earth and die from global cooling. The only difference is they won’t have me around to assure them that it’s an unavoidable natural process.

It was bound to happen…a tsunami of political correctness with an epicenter located on the east coast has finally reached the mountains.
It seems that the famous World Gym was acquired by Planet Fitness last fall with Colorado Springs realizing the final assimilation last week.

Mr. Duckslayer dumped his longstanding membership with the gym as soon as they became a “fitness studio” because the new company has made a few changes to keep the big bad muscleheads in their place. Apparently, there exists a rather large sub culture of people that are intimidated by large sweaty men making noise and breathing hard (bad prison experience, maybe?). They are so intimidated that they will not go to the gym.

Enter Planet Estrogen.
The concept is to provide a “judgment free zone” where little men can “work out” without the fear of becoming one of those muscle bound hulks that intimidate them so. That’s right – the big bully has been silenced.
There are no group fitness rooms, and no dumbbells over 80 pounds and no squat racks. In fact on a list of rules, there is “No Grunting Allowed”. Recently, a “fitness studio” in Wappingers Falls, New York, made the local news when it escorted a male bodybuilder member out of the club for grunting. It’s not that the member was a surly sort, he was actually a corrections officer, but grunted once too often.
Other rules include:
# The banning of large compound, barbell exercises such as deadlifts, bent over rows and squat exercises.
# The restriction of dumbbell weights to a maximum of 80 pounds.
# The banning of magnesium carbonate (chalk) often used for heavy lifts as described above.
# The banning of grunting, swearing and psyching-up-rituals.

As for me, I’m a small guy of about 180 pounds and not especially toned. I am SO tempted to start a membership at Planet Princess just so I can grab a 20 pound dumbbell and act like I’m lifting a house…complete with grunting, screaming and mucous ejection. Then I’ll stand in front of a mirror flexing and kissing by biceps. Go ahead…kick me out of the “studio” and cancel my membership so I can go to the media and announce to the world that I was too intimidating to hang with the sensitive crowd at Planet Nutless. Please throw me out for intimidating behavior. Please.

Better yet, maybe I’ll join so I can make regular complaints about women that break a sweat on the treadmill. Who knows, I may get them to limit the time a woman can run in place.

So here we are; we’ve chipped away yet another large chunk of the stuff that allows a man to act manly…no grunting…be serious…When a man pushes himself to the physical limit – he grunts. I grunt when I tie my shoes. I grunt when I have to bend over to pick up the beer bottle cap I just dropped (most times I don’t even waste the energy). I never considered that I might be intimidating someone.
I honestly have no idea what is wrong with people. I mean, if you’re afraid of the people at the gym; do us all a favor… buy a Bowflex and stay home.